Saturday, 7 September 2013

Moving wardrobes

Things I have learned or should have learned in the past week….or so.

Faithful reader if you have been holding your breath for the past week waiting to hear about LP’s shenanigans then you are now a flesh eating Zombie. Anyways much learning has taken place my Zombie Overlord.

I have read somewhere that moving is rated as one of the most stressful things to do. I am here to tell you that moving with LP is THE most stressful thing to do ever in the history of stressful things involving moving. I have returned to work this week and I swear if someone asks me once more if I have enjoyed my holidays I will give them a Paddington Bear stare. I would rather be caught in flagrante delecto with a cactus than move house ever, ever again. Possibly the only good thing about this sorry episode is the opportunity to post on Facebook that a lady from the “Cooncil” gave me a semi. This is and shall always remain a favourite joke and indeed chat up line of mine.

Poor LP, she wasn’t able to access her full range of clothes and accessories for a week as the chaps from the removal firm decided that LP’s lovely Ikeaaaaaaaaaaa wardrobes looked like cardboard boxes and removed them on Tuesday. Tuesday would have been ordinarily fine but this Tuesday was the day that all our boxes were flung onto the back of a skip (dramatization: these events may not have occurred) and taken to our new home. The major problem being that all of LP’s fabulous clothes and the odd carrot stained baby grow were all in the wardrobes having been alphabetized by YM prior to moving. The removal chaps put LP’s couture in a bedroom of our new home then decided to pile boxes up and round the wardrobes clearly in an attempt to cover up their shame at not being able to distinguish an ikeaaaaaaaaaaa wardrobe from a cardboard box. Sadly I have to acknowledge that I did play a part in this debacle. After posting a, slightly belated APB to Facebook, requesting assistance from my legions of Facebook friends to help ‘Amish Style’ in forming a human chain to carry boxes (but not ikeaaaaaaaaa wardrobes) to the waiting removal van, the response to my request would best be described as quality not quantity, a concept which YM says she has experienced throughout our married life. My friends H and G kindly took up the opportunity to have their karma restored.  G remarked that he was keen to help as ‘[he] likes to lift heavy things’. Kudos to G as he managed to smile through the pain of bilateral inguinal hernias caused when he swung YM’s collection of Donny Osmond Memorabilia onto his shoulder. I should have stood firm to my plans and insisted that the human chain, which was missing some links, was still a practical solution to move the boxes down 70 steps. Alas I was undermined by the removal chaps, who relied on brawn rather than brain to get the job done.

So…. LP’s wardrobes, travel luggage, baby prison and favourite leapfrog activity centre had disappeared behind a room full of boxes which greeted us on Wednesday morning as we took possession of our new home.  After making several unsuccessful attempts to ascend the North Face taking the Donny Osmond Memorabilia route traversing Hello and OK magazine collection, we acknowledged defeat and withdrew to base camp to reconsider our plans. I had originally suggested that YM be sent/encouraged to make an attempt on the summit, as after all, they were her bloody clothes. I had made tentative plans to have the hound assist LP and was considering preparing some bottles of Actimal to fortify LP in her endeavours, figuring that the hound would be up to carrying the bottles like her cousin the St Bernard.

Somewhat luckily for LP my plans were interrupted by our niece who, following a return from teaching ventriloquism in Spain, found herself temporarily ‘between jobs’ and had come to visit LP and gorge on Sugar Free Farlay’s rusks. Downfield Niece or as I like to, and shall call her, Kirkton Neice (KN), selflessly agreed to step in and take on the challenge of the North face. So, armed with a Philips head screwdriver and a can of WD40, YM and I hoisted KN up to the top of the boxes where KN smothered herself with WD40 in order to slide between the ceiling and boxes to head toward the ikeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa wardrobes. KM achieved this with ease and was soon beavering away dismantling the top of the wardrobe and extracting LP’s dresses. Oh to see the excitement on LP’s wee face as as KN handed over her bonny frocks. Bravo KN you saved the day.

KN was also responsible for one of the things I have learned over the past week

1.       LP is the families LP not just YM and I. This means that LP will never be alone and always be loved.  I never thought of that before and needed my wee niece to say it.

2.       Planning anything with LP is impossible.

3.       Stuff works out when it is supposed to, not when I plan for it to therefore there is no need to worry

4.       Breath

5.       I am extraordinarily lucky


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