Sunday, 10 November 2013

Baby Steps

Baby Steps

Gentle reader, its been a wee while since the Stork swooped down carrying LP in her beak. We have moved on from panicking over neglecting to sterilise feeding bottles to trying not to allow LP to share her tea with the hound or to eat her own weight in news paper. LP receiving carpet burns on her tootsies from speed crawling on the once pristine living room rug seems like a mild inconvenience compared to protecting LP from the dangers inherent in walking when everything presents as being at LP eye level, at least for the moment. I say for the moment as LP has suddenly taken a growth spurt and has gone from petite to humungous in a matter of weeks. YM and I are of the opinion that this is due to LP’s new found love of pasta. Some might say that I should cut LP’s spaghetti up prior to serving it,  I rather pooh pooh convention on this one and believe that it is wholly appropriate to present LP with al dente Spaghetti which is two thirds her height.  It is a joy to watch LP eat spaghetti and she has now developed her own style, most probably out of necessity as, clearly, LP does not yet possess the manual dexterity to twirl a fork. To be honest I wouldn’t really like to let her loose with a fork as I think LP may use it as a weapon. So, devoid of cutlery, at least until LP can develop a grasp of English and YM and I can deploy de-escalation techniques to talk her down should LP turn on us, LP simply winds spaghetti round one fist and then pops it in her mouth, fist and all.  

Tis a joy to behold.

 LP seems to take change in her stride unlike YM and I who have spent the past night moving on from a baby proofed home to attempting, and failing, to create a toddler proof home. The simple answer would be to pop down to the nearest branch of Staples and purchase a party pack of bubble wrap. This would then be applied to every object which is not spherical in an attempt to prevent LP from concussing herself. If I had realised this before hand I could have saved myself the inconvenience of losing a testicle on the baby gate a few months ago… Ah well hindsight is, as mystic Meg says, a wonderful thing. I would have also realised that, sadly,  Staples went into receivership a few months ago and the time for purchasing liquidation sale bubble wrap is long past. Back onto the subject of baby gates, the three we have fitted has proved to be insufficient within our home. The kitchen, stairs and LP’s room all have them but YM and I are giving some serious consideration to fitting them to every door frame. In darker moments I have also considered razor wire and electrification but as YM pointed I have a poor track record in baby gate avoidance thus increasing the risk to my gonads is not one of my better ideas. Thanks YM, I knew you cared.

 Whilst not claiming impicunity, YM and I are watching the pennies in order to do what we said we would never ever do,  spoil LP rotten at Christmas. When I say spoil, YM and I won’t be spending the GDP of a small principality at Toys backwards R Us, though we do have great plans to buy her lots of wrapping paper and empty boxes to play with, and probably eat, as despite presently owning a veritable cornucopia of age appropriate toy’s, LP prefers to while away her playtime hours shredding newspaper and playing peek-a-boo from behind YM’s  box of chocolate Weetabix of a morning. As with bubble wrap and Staples, I really hope this is not a bad omen for Clinton’s card or  the Weetabix Food Company.

The safety of LP does not come cheap especially a marauding LP who now toddles through the house opening everything which shouldn’t be opened and tipping over everything that is likely to be spilt. As you will know doubt agree the safety of LP is paramount and therefore YM and I don’t begrudge taking appropriate  steps to provide safety and comfort for her. I want LP to grow up watching and learning how to cook like I did with my Granny, therefore a safe kitchen environment is paramount. There are of course winners and losers in this. Our poor hound is looking considerably  dehydrated since LP came to believe that washing her face in the hounds water bowl was right and proper. YM and I have effectively dealt with this problem by undertaking 15 minutes Observations on our hounds water bowl when LP enters the kitchen via Checkpoint Baby Gate. Sadly, the draw problem has proven somewhat more time consuming and costly to address.  Do you know how many draws you have in your living room or perhaps kitchen? No cheating now.  Our living room has 12 and our kitchen about the same. That means that YM and I have to purchase and install 24 locks in an attempt to keep our wee LP away from shiny objects of desire AKA Chef’s knives, Brillo pads and the odd domestic cleaning product. Much research was undertaken before an order of baby proofing locks was placed and the articulated lorry with one of those dinky wee fork lifts on the back was dispatched to deliver the locks to our home. All so far so good. I then decided that it would be a good idea to unpack all the lock components and bin the instructions and wrappings. So, armed with my electric cordless drill……..Is it just me or does everyone who picks up a cordless drill feel compelled to do Travis Bickle (De Niro) Taxi Driver impersonation?

You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the hell else are you talking... you talking to me? Well I'm the only one here……….

Anyway, deep breath, armed with my cordless drill I set about emptying the contents of my 12 kitchen draws randomly over the worktops before I faced the painful truth that the locks were not suitable for the draws. Bollocks


 If anyone wants to buy a job lot of locks…..


Sunday morning.

YM, who is far more sensible than me, went out and purchased locks which simply stick onto the doors and, sadly, for my De Niro impressions, don’t require any drilling. LP and I enjoyed some quality and safe Daddy Daughter Time this morning  making our first of many, Christmas Cakes together.

Beyond my wildest dreams.





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