Saturday, 12 October 2013

Survival Kit

10.00 pm and tucked up in bed! EVERY day is a learning day...
1. Do not on any account make eye contact with a baby when they wake up in the middle of the night! It's like Amphetamine to them. Just say nooo! Simply soothe them and pop the little angel horizontal, tiptoe backwards out of the room and hope you get another half hour kip.
2. In a similar vein go to sleep not anticipating getting wok...en up. I did the opposite for a couple of weeks and felt the unholy consequences of sleep depravation.
3. Baby monitors allow for some weekend shenanigans. Sneak into LP's bedroom. Make Farting sound. Await YM dashing to LP's aid with industrial strength nappies, gauntlets and coal tongs in anticipation of a code brown.
4. Be 'really crap' at changing/dressing/feeding LP for 5 out of 7 days. This allows for 2 days to feel useful and slightly smug whilst avoiding most of the tasks which involve either 'business end'. Conversely it also allows YM to feel really proud and able to show of her natural ability to do everything and more for YM.
5. Despite my fraudulent claim of kackhandedness YM and I do decide some tasks based on ability. I remain in charge of cuisine whilst YM deals with couture. Now that LP is all but off manufactured baby food a whole new world of colour is open to her as jars of baby food seem to stain everything florescent orange. Therefore cuisine and couture share a somewhat symbiotic relationship.
6. Who would have thought that dummies come in different sizes. It's difficult not to compare and contrast however I should warn against doing so in the baby isle of ASDA.
7. There should be a mathematical formula to measure the disproportionate relationship between ironing baby clothes, the size of baby clothes and how long they will stay clean, pressed or indeed in fashion. I know this as I spent 20 mins ironing a dress for LP's evening engagement this weekend only to be informed by YM that the dress was too 'summerie'.
8. My technique for fastening baby grow related press studs is thus: attach YM's iPhone to the dog. 2 chuck tennis ball for the dog to fetch. 3. When dog, iPhone and tennis ball go in one direction LP will follow. At this exact moment grab both sets of press studs, stretch baby grow over LP and fasten . Voila!
9. I am still working on ways of doing this in reverse rather than simply singing "hands up, baby hands up, give me your love, gimme your love babe etc" by Ottawan. lets face it I'm just showing my age.

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